Today, I finally managed to cancel my mobile dongle account. It doesn't seem a big deal maybe, but now i feel such loss, like letting go with the last thin fingers, of the airplane's doorway .... letting go of something that was my connection, when all seemed to be in mid-air. This tiny little device allowed me contact with friends, the world, when i lived in my quiet creek on Pindara some years ago. It helped me find deep love and happiness too, a chance for a new life with someone very special.
It was then also rather like a parachute, helped to slow down my falling out of the world, one of many things i found, tying them to my waist securely, in those dramatic times. Some of these, many actually, were people, friends ... no noun is adequate, as they are fellow souls, life-travellers, companions of spirit ... no, words can not get close to how much i feel for them. They brought me gifts, insights, observation, deep-knowing ... that is so very precious, and i would share all i had with them in return ... maybe not much materially, but you will know how that is.
They say that the universe, change, is accelerating. Well, i found myself once again falling, so soon, when life had other plans to what seemed to be emerging back then, a tangible stability, a life and home with someone, change of profession, new talents emerging. That all changed abruptly, no time to ask how or why, nor to write here whilst i again tried to tie on those loose ends, essentials and the precious.
Now, i guess i am in a controlled free fall, solo skydive ... calmly using the force, veering across buffeting tearing wind, excitedly, leaning and shaping, but undeniably falling again, heading towards something finite, an approaching end point.
Now, it seems futile to try and slow down the descent, the unyielding gravity of time, energy, the universe ... rushing past, against which i am puny, microscopically insignificant. But, through my eyes, wet with the rush of cold wind, right now, there is a heck of a lot i might want to do before landing.
This is not a practise jump either!
I guess it all sounds rather existentialist, but actually, who cares .... there is just me here, and again, naming things is academic, only of interest when sharing with others.
I know what i know, can hear my own feelings before words.
Sometimes, it can really help to be so very alone, and be with others who know that!
Two months ago, i also stopped seeing my therapist, who has shared my journey, as part of my training as a therapist. It was taking away from me, her reflections, she was lost in the slipstream, inaudible. She was good at her craft, and i miss her. But it was time, time to cut the connection, to listen to myself when the pace is so deafening, and am totally still, right alongside me.
No parachute.
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